Feeling Broken and Thankful

Hello Friends and family,

It is 3am and I am wide awake.  I think that I should have been born a vampire!  Tonight I have so many thoughts running through my head and I am not sure how to place them each in their own compartment so I thought I would share a few of them here.

This past month has been interesting to say the least!  I ended up back at my favorite resort, McKay Dee Hospital with MRSA and cellulitis in my foot and leg.  It actually was really scary.  I have tried to downplay how I felt when I was laying in a hospital bed once again feeling sicker than I have for a very long time.  I am not sure why the Lord has chosen to allow me to experience health challenges.  I have begun to get used to physical pain however it takes a toll on me emotionally at times.  This bout with MRSA was a tough one.  I do not remember every hurting so much before.  I am sure I have probably said that before, but I tend to forgot how much something hurts when I hurt more often physically than I even realize.  I told my Mom in the emergency room that if they could not help me I wanted to die. I usually try not to let her know how scared I am at times.  She listened and reassured me that I would be okay.  If my Mom tells me I will be okay, I believe her.  She also was taking pictures of my foot with her phone, which at the time I did not find humor in but I do now... I am just thankful she did not post them on facebook. HA!

It has been two weeks today since I was in the hospital.  I cope better if I just push through the pain and try to focus on other things.  I remember the second night it was probably close to 3:30 am like it is now and I was hurting so much, I had called the nurse and asked her for pain medicine.  She was her way to my room and I was praying with everything I could muster up at the time that I could make it until she came and gave me the medication in my IV.  It was just moments later that she came in and I felt much better after the meds. I was foggy to say the least but while I was laying there I thought of how great the pain would have been if the Savior had not endured so much of my pain in the Garden of Gethsemane.  I silently thanked Him for his precious gift so that I could rest. I realized in the dark that night that He was with me.  That in the silence of that room he waited with me until the pain could be controlled. There are no words I can ever express to Him for his unconditional love for me.

I am very thankful for the First Presidency and the apostles of our church.  I am thankful for their love and compassion for each member of the gospel.  I am grateful that we have the opportunity to listen and be blessed through them.

I was praying tonight and thought of Elder Holland and my sweet friend Kenneth Cope.  Kenneth wrote a song several years ago entitled "Broken" that song has comforted me many days and nights when I have been broken.  Elder Holland teaches me every time I hear him talk. He is such a sweet and gentle man and I soak up every word I hear.  Without sharing something very sacred, I know that the Lord listens, hears us and sends people into our lives for a specific season. 

I am so thankful for my friends. There are days my heart is broken when I think of my little girl sitting on the Savior's lap instead of mine.  I miss her. I know there are other mothers that have experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage, but unless you have walked that terrible road it is hard to understand how broken your heart is everyday. When I lost her, I lost a part of me.  The Savior has a way of comforting us I believe in ways that we individually need.  In my case, I thank Him for my sweet friend Lindsay Cutler. She is such a gift to me and her children have replaced some of the sorrow I feel with such sweet and tender moments I spend with them.  I love it when the babies, especially Kate will rest her head on my shoulder.  I try to soak up every moment I can and sneak all the kisses I can to her.  I look into those little eyes of Kate who is feisty and sweet and long for my baby, but realize how blessed I am to have that little baby who seems to know when I need her most.  I am thankful to Dave and Lindsay for sharing Jett, Kate and Lexie with me.  They have provided much needed comfort, laughter and love.  There are no words to express the love I feel for them.

The Savior brought another sweet friend into my life during last summer.  We immediately became good friends and I treasure the time  I spend with him.  I was told not long ago that I needed to share the best part of me with him.  It has really made me search and ponder what the best part of me really is. It is a journey that I am still on. I do know how blessed I am and how thankful I am for my friend and for the gift his friendship is to me. To be honest, I have no idea what the Lord has in store, but I trust it because I trust Him.  I am thankful that we are given promptings and time to search with all of our hearts how we can best serve each other and serve the Lord.  I love my friend, I love the man who shared his promptings with me so that I could do my part.  I really am the one who has been blessed in my friendship with my sweet friend and I am so thankful for his example to me, for his ability to make me laugh and for his gentle words that provide comfort as we travel this journey together.

I am thankful that I am broken and that the Savior will heal me, He will heal all of us as we place our hearts and trust with Him.

I love the gospel.  I love the Savior. I love that He knows the end from the beginning and walks silently beside each of us. 

Have a great Sunday!  Let's talk soon.