Cleaning House!

Hello Friends and Family!

I always wait until the last possible moment to clean my house when company is coming!  I am such a slacker and so true to form, I am writing a new blog and looking at my messy bedroom instead of cleaning it!  Tomorrow should be fun since Michele will be here on Wednesday!

I am so excited Michele is coming for a visit.  We went to OHS together, I love the connections that I have made on facebook and the wonderful friendships new and old!   Way to go Mark Zuckerberg!

Well now I must confess... I am so happy the new bachlorette is on!  That Ashley is so cute!  Some of those guys.... well there are crazies everywhere!  I think she will pick Ryan! He was the first one to step out of the limo and got the first impression rose!

In thinking about cleaning house, I think about all of the things in my life that need constant cleaning and attention.  I am profoundly thankful for our Savior and for His love for me.  He helps me focus on the meaningful and proper things to always be aware of.  I have two rocks that my friend Mandi brought back for me when she visited the Garden of Gethsemane.  They sit on my dresser and are such priceless gifts and reminders to me that each and everyday my attention should be turned in the direction of my Savior and how I can become more like Him.

I am learning so much about myself.  Being through what I have in the past year physically has been so tough.  I had 2 PE's in my lungs, CHF, Dyastolic dysfunction on the right side of my heart, a mass behind my heart that had to be removed, a car accident that caused my to have my rotator cuff repaired and another PE as a complication.  Type 1 diabetes that has caused neuropathy and gastroperisis... and other issues.  I don't write this to complain, I just wonder at times why all of this had to happen in one year....

I also mourn the loss of my marriage.  It was the right thing to do, but the most painful choice I had to make.  How do you keep a smile on your face when behind the smile are so many tears for what could have been.  I am not perfect by a long shot, but I sure tried to be a good wife, stepmother and friend.  I wish that Josh and I had been on the same page or could have understood each other's needs better.  I don't hate him.  I loved him.  I just am hurt and it will take time for me to work through that.  This item will need some additional attention and a lot of prayer.  I would like to marry again oneday, with that said, I want to be whole first and be able to trust again.

I love all of you so much!  Even those of you I don't know very well, I just think that you are a new friend, not a stranger.  And those of you I do know well, I bet you wish I was probably  a stranger...LOL

Thank you for following my blog, for loving and supporting me and for all the laughter and priceless gifts each of you give to me everyday through your example to me!

We will talk soon!

Drops of Rain

Hello Everyone,

I am sitting here looking out my window and the rain in pouring down outside.  As grateful as I should be for the moisture... enough already!  Maybe this will be the year we will have snow in the mountains that will last until next Christmas!

In the last week I have cried my own river of tears... It has been a long nine months of being seperated and then all of a sudden I am in a different place once again.  Moving into a new phase of life is difficult and change isn't always easy for me.  Our divorce was necessary! that I have no doubt about.  However, I feel like such a failure in so many ways.  I want to have a family, kids, a husband to love and take care of.  I just wish he had wanted the same things I did.  I miss what I never had, and am envious of those who have someone that loves them back. 

I feel tired!  My heart is acting up a bit!  There is nothing quite like looking like your grandma wearing ted-hose around the house to keep from getting canckles!

I am excited to have my friend, Michele from OHS coming in town next week for a visit.  It will be fun to chat face to face instead of skype and the phone!

I feel very blessed for every tear I have cried, because, there is a lesson to be learned from each one.  However, I am hoping for less tears and more laughs!

We will talk soon!

Turning the corner!

Hello Friends,

Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life.  I spent the better part of the morning in an attorney's office with my attorney and Josh.  It was awful!  I won't get into all of the bitter details, I must say however that my eyes were opened once again to his alarming behavior.

As you can see, I have removed the picture of Ethan, Josh made a huge stink about it, so in our divorce decree, I cannot post any pictures on facebook or my blog.  It is not a big deal, just one more way of he thinking he is in control.

This will be the  last time I talk about Josh on my blog, he has been reading it and had copies at the attorney, so if chooses to continue reading this, I hope he enjoys it.  I will not change what I say or who I am for anyone.  But I will adhere to his crazy wishes and not post any pictures of Ethan!

Well I am grateful it is time to turn the corner, find myself and rebuild my life.  I love my home in Kaysville and my ward and the friends I have here.  This is where I plan on living my life is right here in my little home with my basset hound Zoey!

I am thankful I don't have to live in fear anymore, or walk on egg shells.  I can laugh and be happy, there is such a feeling of peace in my life and I am grateful for that.

As far as Josh, his first wife and little boy.... well I am so over and done with that. I hope that Ethan is always safe, he will always hold a special place in my heart.  There will be no contact ever with that said help me turn the corner and move ahead in my life!

We will talk soon!

This and That......

Hello Friends!

I cannot believe it is the 10th day of May and the sun is no where to be found!  This weather is getting old.  I miss the sun!

It was fun spending time with my family over the weekend.  My nephew Eli was baptized on Saturday.  He is such a cute boy!  I cannot believe how big he is, I remember holding him when he was blessed, time such goes by quickly.

It was also so nice to spend the weekend with my Mom.  I love her very much!  I am so lucky that not only is she my Mom but also my best friend!

Thursday I get to go to a settlement hearing regarding my divorce... lucky me, NOT!  I am so tired of Josh's games, I would like to move on with my life, if I spent the time he has on making my life difficult I could solve all of the world's problems.  If I have learned anything through all of this, it is, honesty and character define who we are and how we handle the cards that are dealt to us.  Josh is not the person I thought I had married.  It is so sad that I loved him so much and I believe based on his actions he never loved me, ever!  I am not sure what his thought was when he married me, but it brings me comfort to know that he will answer to the Lord oneday for his actions, just as I will, the difference is, I loved him, wanted a husband , wanted to be a good mother and tried with all of my heart.  Sometimes the hardest situations bring us the closest to our Father in Heaven, for that I am thankful for I know He loves me and has walked through this valley with me.

I am hoping to go back to work soon.  My heart is taking longer than anyone thought to heal.  The PE's in my lungs damaged the right side of my heart and it is taking it's time getting well. I tire very easily, but along with everything else, this too shall pass!

I am so thankful for my good friends.  My friend Michele has been so good to me, she can make me laugh through the toughest of times, she is such a good listener and I am so grateful for telephones, she lives in California and I feel like she is next door!  There are so many of you that I would love to name and thank for all you do for me!  Your friendship means the world to me!

Well I had better run, it is late and I am going to head to bed.  We will talk soon!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!   

I am so thankful for my Mom and for my Father in Heaven choosing her to be my mother.  She is the most selfless and sweet person I know.  The past year has not been easy for me, however, it has been so difficult for my Mom and yet she has always been there for me.  Day or night, good times or bad, I always know that she loves me.  She has sacrificed so much for our family.  There really are no words to describe the love I feel for her and the gratitiude I have to my Father in Heaven for allowing me to be her daughter.

My Mom has a great sense of humor, and I love her laugh.  I love watching her with her grandkids and the love that she has for each of them.  I love watching her serve others.  She will always be the first one to reach out to anyone in need of a friend or a hug or a shoulder to lean on.

She is my best friend!  I am so lucky, I can tell her anything, she doesn't judge me (although I believe that some of the choices I have made over the years have tested her patience) she is always there for me.

I have so many great memories that live in my heart about my Mom.  She is a peacemaker, a great listener, a wonderful grandmother and the perfect mother for me.  I think about the many sacrifices that she has made over the years for her kids, putting us first.

She believes in my dreams and helps me to reach them.  Even when I thought I was going to marry Donny Osmond she took me to provo to Osmond Studios to see him, made sure I had my Donny and Marie dolls and music and I believe provided me with purple socks...LOL

She taught me to be honest and kind to others through her example.  She has taught me to be a good friend to others, she is a wonderful friend to people and each life is blessed because they know her.

She has laughed, cried, laughed and cried and walked with me through some very painful lessons in my life.  She has always been my friend.

She has taught to have fun in life.  She has dedicated her entire life to making ours better than we deserve at times. 

There are no words that I could write to describe how much I love her.  It is an honor to call her my mother and I thank my Father in Heaven and His Son for blessing my life with such a wonderful mother.

I love you Mom!!!  Happy Mother's Day.  This year will be very different than the last mother's day for me personally.  I have the sweetest step-son Ethan that I love dearly.  I am getting divorced and the week that Josh and I seperated he and Ethan's Mother decided to tell my little cupcake that I had died.  This little boy has known me over half of his life.  He was my buddy, I remember one day getting ready to leave for work and he came in my room and wanted me to pick him up, I did and he started crying and said Karleymommy I don't want you to leave me today, I want to be with you.  I had so much to do at work and was in the middle of year end and as I was holding him in my arms I knew that my work could wait one day when my little one needed me.  I called work, and changed my clothes and went downstairs.  I said to Ethan, I decided to stay home and play with you is that ok?  he ran into my arms and told me how much he loved me.  It was one of the best choices I have ever made.  I spent every minute with him that day and I will treasure it always.  I miss him everyday, I love him and I will always hold him close in my heart.

All I have ever wanted in this life is to be a wife and a mother, life has such interesting way of playing things out.  Sometimes these lessons are painful and hard to understand.  I want to hold a baby, sing to that little one and try to be half of the mother I have had.  I lost a baby almost two years ago, I have never been the same, I never held her, rocked her, I never had the chance to hold her little hand, but she lived inside me for a brief moment and for that I am thankful for. I know that oneday I will see her, I will hold her and I will raise her.  I love my baby and I am her Mother.

Mother's Day is a wonderful, bittersweet and joyus day for all of to reflect on our Mother's and the blessings they are to us, to those of us who have not given birth to a child, we are sad, our hearts tender and this day somewhat difficult.  What a comfort it is to know that our Father is aware of our situations and he will make our hearts full and bless us all with the joy of being a mother here on earth and in heaven.

I am grateful for my Mother, I love her with all of my heart.  We are all mothers in one way or another, and I am personally thankful for those people in my life who share their children with me and allow my heart to feel a Mother's love!

We will talk soon!