Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks - Every Step

"Beautiful Heartbreak"

Hello Family and Friends,

Happy Halloween (tomorrow)  We had a great time at our annual family Halloween party on Friday!  It is so much fun to hang out with my siblings and my cousins and catch up on everyone.  It really makes me miss the days when we were all little and hung out at my Grandma Egan's house together.  It use to drive us all crazy because my Grandpa would take tons of pictures.  Now as adults we treasure those memories he captured for us.  But the best memories I have, I keep very close to my heart.

This week Hilary Weeks came out with her new CD "Every Step"  it is beautiful.  I was listening to one of the songs entitled "Beautiful Heartbreak"  It really struck a chord with me in my personal life.  You should look up the video on you tube, it is totally worth it!  Anyway, I was listening to the song again this morning (at 5 am) I could not sleep... surprise, surprise!  and as I was listening to the words I could not help but feel that during the recent times in my life I have experienced a beautiful heartbreak or two, or.. ten!  I don't see it that way at the time.  But looking back I am thankful for the lessons learned through each of those heartbreaks.

My heart breaks for a dear friend of mine.  I actually added to the already heavy load he has been asked to bear, by being ornery and mean, because I was frustrated, not at him, but at the past.  My divorce was and is so painful for me.  Unfortunately I let that pain slowly creep into other relationships simply because I have a hard time wanting to trust anyone again.  Luckily enough for me, I have an understanding friend.  I am not sure how to work at letting go of the hurt and anger I feel for what has happened.  I miss Ethan, my little step-son.  I miss him everyday but more so around the holidays, I miss my baby that I never had the chance to see grow up.  I miss the companionship of being married, but, it is the lack of trust from the past that is where I am stuck.... ( I should seek counseling..LOL... well maybe I really should) 

All of the things in past, need to find a home away from my heart.  It is only fair to those in my life now and to myself in letting go of the anger and hurt.

I loved church today, I love Sundays, today in sacrament a returned missionary spoke of "A mighty change of heart"  I really needed to hear it.  All of us I believe at one time or another have the opportunity to feel this change in our personal lives.  We are so lucky to have the knowledge that we do as members of the church.

Another one of Hilary's songs "Find Me" (this is my favorite)  remind me so much of several friends and myself.  The chorus goes something like this...."Find me deep inside my secret places, come find me even though the shadows hide, light a match, bring a torch, illuminate this deep divide and find me!)  It is my prayer that we can be found in our deepest places and that we know we are loved by the Son that beckons us to let Him find us...

I hope your Halloween is fun, bring your kiddies by, I love to see them dressed up!  My friend Laural and I are hanging out and dishing the goodies to all the little ones tomorrow.  Be safe and have a great week!

Let's talk soon!

Bridges to our hearts

Hello cute family and friends,

I love the Golden Gate Bridge!  I was born in San Rafael California and have always loved driving across that bridge to get to where I was born and raised for a time.   The bridge is massive and majestic to see, when traveling over the bridge I am always amazed at the thousands of cars that travel back and forth across the bay.

Today I have had a different bridge that I find being built at this time.  It is a bridge that is meant for someone close to me.  It is the bridge to our Father in Heaven and His beloved Son Jesus Christ.  It beckons my friend to step onto the bridge and trust that it will lead him into the safety of arms that gently wait for him at the other side of the bridge.

It is not to say that this particular bridge is like the famous Golden Gate bridge, however, it carries the weight of a soul needing direction to cross safely into the arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is strong and is made up of unconditional love, of peace, of trust and most importantly it is made safe by the arms that await for my friend once he crosses the bridge.

It is funny that we think we can survive in this life just fine on our own.  I used to feel that way as well.  I have been through a very rough two years that I would not have survived without my Savior. His leaders and my sweet friends and family have also been beside me through my darkest nights..  My struggles are not over yet, however, I find peace and comfort in the truth that I am never alone.  My best friend Jesus Christ is with me always.

When we are lost or in need of directions to help us find the bridges to our hearts, it is comforting to know that the builder of those bridges beckons us to come to Him.   He will give us rest.  He will keep us safe and He will hold us in His arms as we simply call His name.

To my friend, I love you! I know that your heart is tender, I know that you are searching for answers, I wish I had them to give you.  I do not.  I do know that the atonement of Jesus Christ can soften the toughest hearts and provide the comfort that we all need so much at different times in our lives.

I want my friend and all of you to know that there are bridges that we all have to cross at one time or another.  I find it comforting to know that the bridge to our hearts is made whole by one who loves us more than is possible to comprehend.

I am grateful for the bridges that I have walked.. I am thankful for the builder who constructs each bridge based on the needs of His Sons and Daughters. Our bridges may be different, but at the very end of each bridge waits our Master with open arms.


What's Next?

Hello family and friends,

This past week has been busy and yet I really have not accomplished anything... I wonder what is next? What does the Lord have planned for me? and am I ready for it!

My family has been in Florida the past couple of weeks.  I was not able to go this time.  It is okay, I have not felt well and need to save the 5 pennies I have to my name..LOL  I am sure that they have had a fantastic time and I am excited to hear all about it.

This week I had to attend a deposition for my car accident.  The accident changed my life forever.  I will never be the same because of one single moment when my world changed. (and to think I was just running to get a diet coke)  Since the accident last April I have been in and out of the hospital.  I have had one complication after another and just when I think that things will settle down... surprise, something new happens.  I am however grateful for modern medicine, prayer and the blessings of the priesthood, for without them I am certain I would not be here.

I have been watching my Mom's dog Cooper.  He is a Yorkie and between Cooper and my basset hound Zoey I am about to go crazy!  They are wild together!  But also very funny and they make me laugh!  In fact right now they are both on my bed sleeping, they will not be too happy when I send them to their kennels in a minute!

I am so thankful for good friends.  I am very lucky!  Well I am off, I know I don't have much to say...(that is probably shocking to a few of you LOL) but I am tired and ready for bed!  Thanks for being a part of my life..... I love you all!

I am excited for some new music that is coming out from some of my favorite people.  Hilary Weeks has a new album, I am so excited to hear and so does cute and talented Mindy Gledhill.  I can hardly wait to hear both of them, they are amazing people!

Have a great night and let's talk soon!


The Best Life......

Hello Friends and family,

You may wonder why I titled my blog "The Best Life".  The past couple of weeks I have been very ill and back in the hospital.  I have never been in so much pain.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I actually prayed that I would die at one point because I hurt so much.  It has been such a tough couple of years regarding my health.  I never have been one to complain much but I have to say that I really would like to get back to living and not just enduring one thing after another. 

In thinking of the past several weeks, I realize one very important thing... I have the best life.  I have wonderful friends, a wonderful ward full of people who serve so unselfishly and teach me what it means to become more like our Savior.  I have a family who is there for me at a moment's notice and kindness from strangers I don't even know, who have shown their love to me.  So, in spite of struggles and hardships I really do have the best life.  I owe my Heavenly Father so much, I can never repay Him for all He has blessed me with.  I have a wonderful Bishop who loves me and has been so supportive of me.  My ward is the best ever.  Everyone should belong to a ward like mine.  I will never leave my home.  I love my neighbors, we are pretty close in our circle and they are the best people ever.  I can't possibly thank everyone by name for the love and support I have been blessed to receive.  Thank you all, I love you!

The best life each of us can have is in recognizing the love that surrounds us.  We may be struggling with tons of problems, some in our control and often out of our control.  But it is through others, through a loving Savior and through the grace of the atonement that we can have the best life that has been designed just for us.

I am not the only one who is struggling by any means, I have friends and family who are enduring great challenges in their own lives.  I love you all, I want to be there for you.  I want you to be happy and to live the best life that lies within our reach.

I am so grateful for laughter!  I love to laugh and today I was not feeling well.  I had been in bed all day and having a little pity party by myself, when my sister Katie called.  Within minutes I was laughing so hard at the things she was saying.  It felt so good and I love her so much.  I am so excited she and my little nephew are coming to see me in a couple of weeks.  I love them so much!

I am grateful for my crazy basset hound Zoey.  She is a funny girl, and is so sensitive when I am feeling under the weather.  She has a stuffed pig that she drags around the house like a security blanket and today she jumped on the bed and flung the pig at me and then laid down right next to me.  It was so sweet, she never shares her pig with anyone...LOL

I am thankful for this season. I love fall, it is so beautiful and I love the holidays.  It is strange that this will be the first official holiday season since my divorce.  But I find great peace in that.  My ex-husband hated the holidays, it is really sad because I love to be surrounded by family and friends and enjoy every minute of it. I really look forward to it this year!

If I had not lost my baby she would have been 2 years old.  It is so crazy how time goes by.  I miss her so much and there is a hole in my heart that went with her when I lost her.  I miss my little Ethan.  He was the best little guy ever.  I love him and wonder how he is and if he is enjoying school.  I still have really hard feelings about how his parents chose to handle our divorce.  They told Ethan I was dead, I was his step-mom, I love him, I always will and one day when he is old enough to make his own decisions I will tell him how much he has meant to me.

Well I am off to bed.  I want you all to know how thankful I am to each of you for being a part of my life!  Love you all!