Hello Friends and family!
I guess I am a slacker!, I have started three different blog updates..... and never finished them. Life is moving along. I am amazed at the peaks and valleys that continue, but they stretch my faith and allow me to grow.
Saturday we had a shower for my cousin Andrea up at my Mom's. It is always fun getting the Egan's together, I have the best cousins and it is fun to get together and laugh! Andy is getting married in Hawaii the first part of July. If I win the lottery before then, I will be there!! What a romantic place to get married.
My good friend's niece is giving her baby up for adoption and I have friends that would be wonderful parents to that darling little one. I did not say anything to my friends until I knew it was a real possibility for them, as soon as I told my friend, I didn't hear any more about the baby. Only to find out later that she had changed her mind. It really took me back personally to when I lost my baby. I have tried to bottle up those feelings and all of a sudden they came flying our today, worse than any rainstorm we have had. The only dreams I have ever wished for are to be a wife and a mother. I have such a wonderful support system, great friends and family and yet I find myself so alone and sad right now.
I was on my knees last night, talking to my Father in Heaven and asking Him to please bless my life with someone to love and someone for me to love and take care of. I do want to be married again. I love the companionship and company when you are in a relationship, I love to laugh, to be with someone who gets me and loves me for who I am and the person and I can become. Is too much to ask for that? In the scriptures it tells us to "weary the Lord" I am certain He is weary with my wishes. After I got into bed, I was thinking about the last three years and how hurtful they have been. I turned over to go to sleep and very softly I heard the words "Have Hope" whispered to my heart.
I also find myself feeling insecure about struggling with my weight and not being pretty enough for anyone to love me again. I was talking to a friend about this and he said, you are alive and the doctor's didn't think you would be a year ago. It really made me think, I hope someone can find me and see what the Lord sees in me. I am not perfect, not skinny, not a model, but I love with all of my heart, love the gospel, my family and that perfect person for me..
Well blogging is certainly therapeutic, I am sure this is probably not the most uplifting blog ever written but it came from my heart. Thank you all for being a part of my life!
We will talk soon!