My Holiday Heart

Hello friends and family,

The title of my blog "My Holiday Heart" is very fitting today... I have looked forward to all of the holidays this year.  Christmas is my favorite of course.  I love the decorations, the lights and most of all the reason we have Christmas.  I am thankful so much for the birth of our Savior and his love for each one of us!

I have been pretty happy lately.  I have so much to be thankful for.  However the past couple of days have hit my heart so hard.  I have cried and cried over the past couple of years... leading up until just a couple of days ago.   I miss my baby.  She would have been 2 in September and I often wonder what we would be doing, what she would look like, does she miss me as much I miss her?  It is so hard. I wish I could hold her and tell her how much I love her.  I don't talk about it much because it is so painful and close to my heart.  All I have ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.  Both of those dreams were short lived and I am sad. 

I think about my marriage that failed.  There are so many things I wish could have been different.  I miss Ethan with all of my heart.  I miss the companionship and waking up next to someone. It is so different now.  It makes so sad.  I know it was the right thing to do, it doesn't mean that it hurts less though knowing that. 

I think about my health and  how long it is taking for me to heal.  I know I am almost there,  I just want to be back to work and regain my social life.  I am going to be inside most of the winter and that makes me crazy to think about.  I will be so happy when spring comes and hopefully a wonderful job with it!!

I think about my family and how much I love them.  My parents have been so supportive and loving with me.  I am thankful for my ward family, they are the best and I am SO lucky to live in my little home and be in such a wonderful place.

I think about my friends that are struggling.  I hurt for them.  I want them to be happy! I want them to feel whole.  It is hard to see people you love in pain.  I pray for them every night so that they might feel peace.

When I think about this season I am thankful for my Holiday Heart.  It is not perfect by any means, I am grateful that I can learn from the good times and the not so good times.  I am thankful for all of you, you are some of my most priceless gifts!

Let's talk soon!

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